My Anxiety Journey

Ciara Anning

Vice Chairperson and Social Media Manager of Blue Rose

My name is Ciara. I’m 23 years old, and I’m a full-time student. I live with my boyfriend of two years, who I’m very happy with. Could I ever have imagined this would be my life when I was younger? Absolutely not. You see, I suffered with severe and almost debilitating social anxiety as a child. As an adult, I am diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, and I am medicated for it. So, let me take you back.

As a child, I was painfully shy. I grew up living with my mom and my grandma, and a whole host of pets. I was attached to my mom at the hip as a child. I suffered with severe separation anxiety and struggled to be away from my mom for any period. I cried my eyes out on my first day of grade 1, at the prospect of being separated from my mom and surrounded by strangers. For many years, I had one or two female friends whom I latched onto. I would not speak in front of others and maintained my friendships with one-on-one time. When I was 9, a member of my family became concerned with my attachment to my mom. They recommended I see a psychologist and referred me to one. Now, this psychologist, I can see as an adult that she had made up her mind about the world and refused to see anything in any way other than her own. I had certain rituals as a child. Granted, I was maybe too old for them, but they helped ease my anxiety. When I got to school in the morning, my mom would walk me to class, then I would go back to the parking lot with her, and wave at her until she was gone. That was my morning ritual. This psychologist told my mom to immediately stop this ritual. She told my mom that I would never grow out of it and would remain attached to her for the rest of my life. Spoiler: that didn’t happen. My mom thought the advice of this psychologist unfathomable; how could she rip the comfort and routine out from under her child like that? So, she ignored the advice.

As I reached my teenage years, I started behaving like a normal teenager; ‘leave me alone, mom’. I went through my detached phase, my ‘you’re embarrassing me’ phase, all the norms. In my social life, I still had those one or two friends. I could not talk to boys. And I don’t mean boys I had a crush on, I mean any boys. Like I said, I lived with two women, and I had very little exposure to men as a child. As a result, I only had female friends and could not even look a boy in the eyes. That was my reality for a very, very long time. I had a ‘relationship’ with a boy when I was 14. I think in the entirety of our relationship, which lasted three months, I probably said about two sentences to him. And that’s not an exaggeration. My anxiety prevented me from living a normal life. I could see my peers interacting with each other, boys and girls mixed in together, but I simply could not do it myself. I struggled with it a lot, and often wondered what was wrong with me. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything at this point. I spent the entirety of high school this way; shy and hidden. I also struggled with the common performance anxiety; giving speeches was the worst thing imaginable.

As I reached the time where I had to apply to university, I decided to apply to a university far away from home. I grew up in Gauteng, South Africa, and finally made the choice to attend university in the Western Cape. As an extremely shy 18-year-old girl, my mom thought it would be a good idea if I stayed in a university residence. And so, I did. On the first day of university, I was forced into a room with a stranger. This stranger has turned out to be one of my best friends in the entire world. I blossomed in university. Living in the residence forced me to interact with strangers and helped me build the confidence to do so. I was in a co-ed residence, so that included boys, or men I should say. During that first year of university, my life changed. Being forced into an environment with a bunch of strangers was the best thing that could have happened to me. I stayed quiet and shy during university lectures, but I made friends for life during that year. I was in my first real relationship and grew a lot as a person. During my undergraduate degree, I was diagnosed with anxiety. During my Honours degree, I had to do many speeches for the class. We presented, presented, presented. The support of my peers during this year helped me to become more confident at public speaking, too.

Now, I am a more confident and sociable person. I have friends of all genders, and I can speak in front of a group. It’s still not my favourite thing, but I can do it. I am in a healthy long-term relationship, with a man whom I have long conversations with. I still deal with my anxiety every day. I have intrusive thoughts and constantly conjure up all kinds of disaster scenarios. But, looking back, I can see how far I’ve come.

Anxiety is a monster, a hidden figure that eats away at your brain, it makes you think that you can’t do things. But you can. You can push yourself in small ways every day. You can do something a little bit outside of your comfort zone. You are strong, and you can do it.